When I hear parents saying things like,
'They should do this.'
'They should be old enough to do that.'
'I shouldn't be doing this for them.'
'If I keep doing this for them they will never learn.'
'I worry my child will never learn responsibility.'
But if you keep living in the what should be, rather than what is happening right in front of you.
You will form a divide between the reality, and your expectations.
It will not only keep you in a place where you're constantly upset, but it will do the same for your child.
It may be easier to relate too when compared to the separation we feel from those that we never feel we reach those expectations of. For whatever reason it is. They move the goals, we do our best but it isn't good enough. Whether it's a parent, a teacher, a boss, a coach.
We become hard on ourselves, we feel judged.
We might even give up.
And as I have seen many a times, most adult children that felt this divide from their parents.
Don't go back to them when they need help. "But Connor, my child needs to learn responsibility. How will they survive on their own if they don't tidy up after them, if they keep leaving dishes in their room and never clean them, if they leave their clothes on the bathroom floor? If it wasn't for me, they'd have no clean clothes." The answer? Because they have too.
Living on their own, they will run out of clean clothes to wear.
They will realise their fridge is empty and they have to go shopping.
And when they discover there is no clean dishes left, they will have to clean them.
The urgency of the situation will act as their motivator. And at the moment most parents are reducing this urgency by picking up the slack. In part for their sanity as well, and that is completely understandable, but try not to read further than your current situation.
You may even think though, but what if their roommates start picking up their slack or getting frustrated with them?
Then that friend will likely kick them into gear, they won't put up with it either. And the urgency of likely losing a friend or losing their place of residency will take over very quickly.
We've all gotten through this stage of lives ourselves.
We may just not remember it now being on the opposite side of the scales.
On top of that, we may want to take Dr Russell Barkley's 30% rule. Take 30% off of their age, and that is the executive functioning developmental age you are working with. Your 14 year old child is more that of a 9 almost 10 year old. Your 11 year old is closer to the independence and functional capability of a 7 year old. Every time I hear a High School tell me, "They're year 7 now, they need to learn responsibility and do this on their own. How will they survive in the real world?" And all I can think during this is..... "THEY'RE 11!!! They're a child. Not even taking into consideration their neurodevelopmental delay. They are 11." And besides, how will they survive if this truly is their peak of capability? They will survive with the love and support of those around them. In summary, your child will get there. It just may take a little bit longer.
