How to Help Your Child Increase their Emotional Intelligence
- Macca Greene
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
How to Help Your Child increase their Emotional Intelligence. We’ve all met adults who get defensive over everything, can't handle feedback, blame everyone else when things go wrong, or need to win every argument like it's a game of Monopoly they refuse to lose.
And sometimes... those traits come from childhood habits that were never challenged.
This isn’t about shaming anyone. It’s about asking, how do we raise emotionally intelligent kids, so they don’t grow into adults who...
React emotionally without thinking
Blame others for their mistakes
Get defensive when corrected
Avoid emotional conversations
Or argue just to "win," not to understand?
Let’s talk about it. Here's how we can set them up better.
1. Teach the Pause
If your child reacts without thinking, start teaching the pause. It doesn't have to be dramatic. It could be as simple as demonstrating it yourself, by pausing and taking a step away from the conversation or situation until you're no longer emotionally charged.
To disengage so that the situation can be worked through once thinking logically.
Use moments of conflict as chances to pause with them. Model it. Say things like: “I’m frustrated too, so I’m going to take a second before I respond.”
This shows them that emotion doesn’t need to lead the way, awareness does. And for every parent that expresses how difficult that is, it is. Because it's likely something that has never been practiced. A lot of us grew up with the concept that walking away from an emotionally charged moment was avoidance and not dealing with the situation. But staying in the moment won't solve it either.
2. Let Them Take Ownership (Without Shame)
Instead of rushing to fix things or excusing poor behaviour (“he didn’t mean it, he’s tired”), guide them gently toward owning it:
“I believe you didn’t mean to hurt your friend, but it still happened. What do you think we should do next?”
Teach them that accountability isn’t a punishment, it’s power. It says, 'I have control over my actions, and I can do better next time.' As well as apologizing and taking accountability ourselves. To demonstrate that there is strength to owning our mistakes.
3. Make Feedback Safe
If they get defensive when you give feedback, it might be because feedback has always felt like rejection. Instead of
“Why would you do that?”
Try:
“Let’s figure out what happened, not to get you in trouble, but to help you learn.”
Create an environment where feedback is just part of growing, not something to fear or fight against. (Learning and mastering the compliment sandwich can be a great way of delivering feedback.)
4. Teach That Arguments Aren’t Battles
It’s not about winning. It’s about understanding.
Next time they’re in a disagreement, try guiding them to curiosity.
“What do you think they were feeling?” “Could you be right and they still feel hurt?”
This opens the door to empathy. Because it isn’t about silencing strong opinions, it’s about knowing how to use them.
5. Normalize Emotional Conversations
If your child avoids talking about their feelings, don’t force it, invite it. Make feelings part of the everyday conversation. Feelings can be spoken about without getting worked up, that is the true goal.
“What was the best part of your day?” “What made you feel embarrassed earlier today?”
And don’t just ask, share your own. Let them see that emotions are nothing to fear. They’re something to work with.
Kids learn emotional intelligence the same way they learn everything else. Through modelling, conversations, mistakes, and guidance. They don't need perfection from you. They just need your presence.
So if you want your child to grow into someone who listens, reflects, and takes responsibility, start by showing them that it's safe to do those things.
You’re not raising a child to avoid discomfort. You’re raising someone who can navigate it.
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